Hillary Clinton Calls It Quits: ‘I Just Want To Die In Peace’

Former political powerhouse and loser of the worst electoral defeat in modern history, Hillary Clinton, is calling it quits on…everything. In a statement to be released after the 1st of the year, Clinton writes:

“These past two years have been some of the worst of my life when they should have been some of the best. I should be making history and instead I’m making cookies and writing books.

I’m done. No more public life. Consider this chapter of American history closed. I just want to crawl off and die in peace.”

The statement, leaked to the Associated Press, will go public as soon as they have corroborating reports. Luckily, as harbingers of truth, justice and the American way, we can post it now and be the first to say…Good riddance, you criminal.

Clinton leaves behind a book deal, three book tours, nearly $5 million in speaking engagements and a possible run at some liberal stronghold figurehead position like Mayor of New York City or Governor of Guam. She also leaves behind two Congressional probes and possible criminal prosecution for her crimes against this country.

Wait a sec…no it doesn’t. Killary may be taking a break from her life but the rest of us will never forget the 143 people she’s responsible for killing. Or is it 144? It changes every week. Someday she’ll be held accountable.

About Mrs Loreli Eagleton 57 Articles
Loreli Eagleton is the wife of Flagg Eagleton. She is a stay-at-home Mom of 7 who loves to make sandwiches and does what she's told -- until she doesn't!